Sunday

Last night was pretty chaotic. I stole a hat from a boy I didn't know. So now I have a bowler hat and don't really know what to do about it. I'd like to give it back actually, but 1) I don't know if it was actually his and 2) I don't know who the hell he is. I'd like to find him solely to figure out his name, and also because he was pretty fantastic at guitar and I enjoyed singing along with him. My life is pretty weird. In other news, I've got a show on Wednesday. I might die. I hope I don't die but I really might die. Of nervousness. I mean, I'll probably be fine right? I hope so. All points bulletin, shy girl plays show by herself, doubts ability at guitar.

So, after much introspection I've kind of decided that I might like to date people again. Hopefully I won't end up going out with guys who are boring or kill seagulls, but I suppose I've got to start somewhere? I don't know. I'm a sucker. You sweet talk me and I'll just melt, it's one of the things I hate about myself. I wish I wasn't such a romantic. I was raised on sad British pop music and Hollywood golden day romance films. I suppose it was inevitable. But I am also a perfectionist. So that complicates things. If things don't work exactly as they should according to my head, I don't really feel compelled to continue. Maybe that's stupid. It's almost definitely stupid. Real life isn't a movie, I have acknowledged that, I acknowledged that when I was 16 and crying after being dumped after prom.

Things should happen in a way that you're at least proud of talking about. They don't have to be picturesque or interesting, they just ought to be something other than "I was super drunk and I made out with this person, so yeah, I didn't hate them when I wasn't drunk so we went out." That doesn't really roll of the tongue very nicely. So, maybe college isn't the best environment to try to date in. Maybe Olympia isn't the best environment to try to date in. But I'm only 19, I've got time. I'm using that time to figure out what the hell I'm actually looking for. Will this result in some very overt flirtation? Yes. Will this result in me getting out of my comfort zone? Yes, yes it will. If that means stealing a few hats, I suppose that there will be some cold heads this winter.

Well

It would seem I've probably bored everyone who bothered to read this. I'm kind of alright with that. A lot has been going on. My Sophomore year crisis seems to be over, though the life crisis a persistent theme that varies in intensity. It's just the general anxiety of being. Things are good though. I'm getting to the point where things don't stress me out really, no matter how big or small. I just don't see the point in it anymore. I spent so much time being stressed out, generally about other people. There's just no point in it. People will do what they will do, I've got very little control over that. I can control what I do though. I guess I realized that a long time ago, but I just didn't really put it into practice.
I'm starting to decipher what I want to do with my life. There are a few things that I consistently get excited about, and the more I learn about them, the more excited I am. Audio is one of those things. Physics isn't really, though it interests me, it's just not a priority. I think I'm going to start volunteering at The Northern running sound, it would be good experience and I think it would be a lot of fun. The other thing is bikes. Bikes bikes bikes. All day everyday. I'm excited for my contract winter quarter, it'll be grand. Mechanical drawings are so beautifully simple. Cooking and food does come in, but I don't think I could make a living of that, I might start to hate it. At least if I would if I had to dishes at a constant rate, which seems likely.
Anyway, I'm doing well. I'm figuring things out. I'm making new friends. It's good.

Anon

I feel small and broken. I feel like I can't be the person that the world seems to think I am. I want to be that person again. I want to be happy. I get so scared. Of everything. Of being. Of loving. I paste a smile on my lips before I put on my coat and walk out the door in the morning. I feel safe, isolated from the world by stereo headphones and dark sunglasses.
I don't know how to be sometimes. People start to care and I am terrified by it. I don't know how to tell them that I don't know how to be what they want anymore. All of the things that they think I am are a crumbling facade.
Everything is so good though, or it should be. I've got a great job, I get to go to college, I live in a wonderful and safe place, I'm not hungry. I'm surrounded by great people. But sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning. I get so confused I don't know where I am. I forget things. I don't know how to interact with people. I'm being sincere but the words roll off of my tongue and sound so wrong. So robotic. It's not always, but sometimes is enough to scare me.
Sometimes I feel decidedly useless. I feel like I'm drifting further into my mind again. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want it to be that way anymore. I need good people around me, I can't push them away. Or, I shouldn't. I certainly can, and have, but have never wanted to. I just get scared.
I'm building myself back up after a hectic year, the first and sudden plunge into adulthood. In the process I lost who I was. Now I'm finding that self again, and some of the pieces are missing or warped. So I've become my own reconstruction process. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel insecure. I don't want to feel like an ugly duckling. I don't want to feel like I am constantly spinning. Not even sometimes.

Things

Things I needed tonight:
- Night time bike rides
- Wind on my face
- Rushing water
- Sprinklers
- Shooting stars
- Constellations
- Adrenaline
- Hills
- Kitty

Things I didn't need tonight:
- Feeling disconnected
- Feeling as though my efforts to cheer someone up are unappreciated
- Being snapped at where an explanation will do
- Weird drivers
- Distraught woman yelling downtown
- Feeling inadequate

Bike Weekend!

So much bike stuff this weekend!
- Looked at bike porn (thanks Velogogo, totally read EVERY post).
- Adjusted my derailleur
- Look at more bike porn
- Played bike polo
- Cleaned my front fork
- Tried to buy new brake pads (kool stop continentals), but the bike shop was hecka closed due to Sunday
- Helped housemate pick out a new bike (1967 Schwinn Varsity, built like a tank, still had original components all in working order, and good price considering the condition it is in-- very little wear and tear, just some paint scuffs).
- Played more bike polo.
Good weekend at home. Just what I needed.

Flight

Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe it's too soon. I don't want to hurt anyone, it would hurt too much. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't know how to proceed. I don't think I'm ready to commit. I've only recently become comfortable and happy in myself, it's still novel, I'm still figuring things about myself. I can't get lost in someone else. I can't mix someone else up in it. I'm just not ready. I can spend time with people, I can share things with them, but I'm not ready to give up flight yet, not when I've just started exploring outside of my past gilded cages. I don't want to be contained again, not yet, not until I know how to be happy in a cage.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.

Perhaps it is time for a change of heart.

Perhaps it is time. Time to stop being so shy.

Time to stop being afraid of my own potential.

Perhaps.