Things

Things I needed tonight:
- Night time bike rides
- Wind on my face
- Rushing water
- Sprinklers
- Shooting stars
- Constellations
- Adrenaline
- Hills
- Kitty

Things I didn't need tonight:
- Feeling disconnected
- Feeling as though my efforts to cheer someone up are unappreciated
- Being snapped at where an explanation will do
- Weird drivers
- Distraught woman yelling downtown
- Feeling inadequate

Bike Weekend!

So much bike stuff this weekend!
- Looked at bike porn (thanks Velogogo, totally read EVERY post).
- Adjusted my derailleur
- Look at more bike porn
- Played bike polo
- Cleaned my front fork
- Tried to buy new brake pads (kool stop continentals), but the bike shop was hecka closed due to Sunday
- Helped housemate pick out a new bike (1967 Schwinn Varsity, built like a tank, still had original components all in working order, and good price considering the condition it is in-- very little wear and tear, just some paint scuffs).
- Played more bike polo.
Good weekend at home. Just what I needed.

Flight

Maybe I'm not ready. Maybe it's too soon. I don't want to hurt anyone, it would hurt too much. I'm scared. I'm really scared. I don't know how to proceed. I don't think I'm ready to commit. I've only recently become comfortable and happy in myself, it's still novel, I'm still figuring things about myself. I can't get lost in someone else. I can't mix someone else up in it. I'm just not ready. I can spend time with people, I can share things with them, but I'm not ready to give up flight yet, not when I've just started exploring outside of my past gilded cages. I don't want to be contained again, not yet, not until I know how to be happy in a cage.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps.

Perhaps it is time for a change of heart.

Perhaps it is time. Time to stop being so shy.

Time to stop being afraid of my own potential.

Perhaps.

Windows

Sometimes I'm not sure what to make of myself. One minute, I'm sitting on the bus listening to music, and the next I'm biting my lip to push back a feeling. Why these outdated thoughts continue to cross my mind confounds me. I wasn't necessarily sad, more disappointed, and the feeling was not even necessarily unwelcome. Getting lost in the words bouncing in my headphones, I got caught in a daydream a year late. Conspiratorial affections shared among the stacks in the library, in reading rooms. Words traced intentionally on wrists. Sketched out flirtations and hearts drawn on hands.
I remember where it was and when it happened. A bit of ball point pen ink from a bic pen, in just the right shape. It was perfectly centered around the freckle below my knuckle. Our palms sweat and we didn't seem to care. I couldn't stop smiling. Even our feet fit perfectly together, standing at attention for a farewell. How it all went wrong is obvious to me now, but that doesn't mean I don't regret that it did. It was what always happens: life. It was fleeting, passionate, and lacking the dedication to persist. We were both too flighty, both too unsure, both too scared. Too lost. It wasn't meant to last, though it was meant to be, if only for a little while.
I know why it didn't work. I still think about him, and I wish things were different. I wish we just talked, because he pulled me up, he knew me from cover to cover, and I didn't mind. When blue eyes met brown, I knew he knew me. He didn't always know what was on my mind, but he cared. Even when he was so caught up in his own messes, he'd try. Or I would relent. It wasn't really enough, when he wasn't all the way there, when he was too distracted. I still wish we'd talk, just about things, things that actually matter. He made sense to me in a funny way, a way that nobody else has really made sense to me. I really do love him, and I know he feels the same, but not in the way that either of us can parlay into a committed relationship. It was too unstable. We understand eachother, but not in the right way. There was too much judgement. It wasn't quite unconditional. It was forgiving, but not unconditional.
Sitting on the bus on your way to work in the morning is not the best time to lose yourself in thoughts that are bound to make you look lonesome. As I walked to work, turning up the music, and forcing a smile to my lips, I worried that my eyes would give it away. That some passerby would catch my eye, and notice it. They're the one place I can't always make smile, and I'm not sure I want the world to know I'm not smiling. Eyes are the windows to the soul, and it seems to me that it's safer to keep the shutters drawn. Someday I'll open the windows and let the wind blow through again.

Zen Toast

I've developed a new game! It's called 'Zen Toasting'. The basic concept: you wait for toast to pop up. That's it. But! There's so much more to it than that! It makes waiting for toast the most exciting part of your morning, or afternoon, or midnight (depending on how deeply devoted you are to toast). First load the 'edible projectiles' into the 'magic gluten convector', and press down the 'automated lever of magic convection'. Step two, stare expectantly at the 'magic gluten convector',as it's mysterious inner-workings toast the 'edible projectiles' to crispy perfection. This next bit is very important: You MUST not take your eyes off of the toaster. Nail biting is definitely allowed, just don't take your eyes off of it. Don't time your toaster either, that will ruin the whole game. The entire game is dependent on the fact that you don't know exactly when the toast will eject, and you will enjoy a distinct terror when you are surprised. Personally, I find this particular terror to be a very enriching element of my day-to-day activities. Toast cannot hurt me, it's just bread, so, really it doesn't go much beyond startling me. Toast cannot eat me, to my knowledge, nor is it handy with a gun or a butterfly knife. Thus, the fear I experience is very controllable. This game can be used as part of a training regimen, if you are training to become a ninja. It will sharpen your senses, and train you to control your fear. However, toast is not a very realistic simulation of a real-life enemy, who might have a sword or a lazer or whatever. So, take it with a grain of salt, or butter, I don't know, whatever you like on your toast?

(Clearly I need more excitement in my life).

Indulgence

I've pretty much done nothing of a material value today. I've laid in bed watching movies and petting the cat. Days like this are. I can't seem to motivate myself to do anything, so, in recognition of it being summer and that meaning I don't really HAVE to do anything, I'm not going to do anything, except think. I've been feeling pretty burnt out. I spend a good deal of my time at home. I try to read, and generally grow disinterested fairly quickly. I don't know. I was supposed to have company this weekend. I'm glad I don't, it would have been a bad idea anyway, considering who it consisted of. I definitely prefer time to think, rather than acting rashly and feeling terrible afterward.
I'm excited for the bike trip next weekend. Until then, I'll swoon over Gregory Peck and draw silly pictures.