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Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Chaos

Trying to pick up the pieces of a crumbling foundation is a difficult thing to manage. I've lived for 18 years, having a family that is supportive and generally stable. Lately that stability has been in question. Over the past few months I've had to revisit my fears that it could deteriorate on numerous occasions. This has caused me to reach out to whatever support seems fit, and in a long distance situation, that is just unreasonable. So I am trying to support myself right now, and to make it through with the most sensibility I can manage. I don't want my family to fall apart, especially when I am on the verge of leaving. When I am gone I will have even less control of the situation. I can only hope that the troubles I currently bear witness to will subside and be resolved.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Letting go of the reins

Love is by far the most fickle thing I have encountered in this world. Especially over great distances, and with unconventional approaches. I'm admittedly terrified right now. My lack of control over the decisions and feelings of others is an unstable and frightening realisation. Feelings can dime tack after all, without rhyme nor reason. You think you have found a stable home for your heart and suddenly you find the foundation under siege, maybe in reality, maybe in your mind, it's hard to tell. You realise you currently have little influence in the life of the person that you love. You realise that you are in limbo. That your heart is in limbo, and that that person, whether or not they are a responsible bearer, has a great deal of power. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared. I cannot predict the future, I cannot understand the present. I can look back on the past-- the smiles, the heart flutters, the weak knees, what would seem to be a gravitation-- but it does not necessarily determine the future.

My past haunts my waking and dreaming mind with merciless terrors of what may happen. What has happened. Waking in a cold sweat with beating heart and tear rimmed eyes gets one to thinking. What am I doing? Is this worth it? Does he care? Does he love me, does he feel the same? The words have been said but do they still ring true? The lack of commitment due to the vastness of distance is a strain on my mind. I don't particularly want anyone else, but I don't know if that is a mirrored standing. I suppose that my reasoning for not wanting anyone else is that I don't prefer to involve myself romantically with any person I don't feel a genuine connection to. When I find someone that I feel truly connected to, whatever my subconscious or conscious reasoning may be, I give myself whole heartedly, with little to no hesitation. This method is not the most safe, by any means, but if it's worth it, my passionate presentation of my heart will not go unrewarded.

For now, I resign myself to the will of the world. As hard as that may be for me, I simply have to, because there is not a single thing I can do right now. I don't know what will happen. I don't know his feelings, or if he is keen on seeing other people in the meantime, or what will happen when we get to Evergreen. I know my own, and that is all, as they are constantly subject to my staunch reassessment. I suppose it doesn't really matter right now, because there is no real commitment, so we both have freewill to do as we please. My limited time left at home is probably pressure enough on my mind anyway, and it seems I have been caught up in a different mindset than he has anyway. I cannot cease my daily life on account of a person who lives across the state, I simply can't. I simply won't anyway, despite the persistent gnawing at the corners of my mind. I worry too much, I have no control of the things that I worry about, thus I should simply stop worrying about them.

Friday, June 19, 2009

I'm on a Boat!

Just kidding. But I will be in a few hours. I always get excited for regattas. It's a shame that Evergreen doesn't have a sailing team. Joining sailing was an amazing decision, I've never learned so much in so little time. Plus, sweet ab workout? Heck yes. I'm getting excited about getting my boat too! It's going to be a fun project, it needs a lot of work still. I have to think of a name still. I spent some time doing a little research on OK Dinghies today, and they are really interesting little boats. They are much more popular than I knew, and even though Lasers overtook the market in the 1980s, they are rising in popularity again. They are holding International races for the class now. I doubt I'll ever be competitive, but it's interesting. I kind of want to name it 'Zissou' or something along those lines. The video from the 1977 nationals completely appealed to my dry sense of humor, like Wes Anderson films do. I'm glad there will be somewhere nearby to sail when I am at Evergreen. It's going to so nice down there. Only 65 days until I'm living there!? Crazy. I'm already making a packing list. It's starting to become real. I'm at the point of deciding what to bring, bike included. Hooray for green living! Olympia is a cool town, I'm really excited to be living down there, it will be a nice change of pace from small town living. Now, off to my weekend adventures!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Why I'm going Vegetarian, Again.


Lately I've been feeling under the weather. Maybe it's stress finally catching up with me. I burned the candle at both ends for months on end in preparation for graduation, writing 17 page papers in 2 days with no sleep to boot. Needless to say, now I'm done, physically, mentally, emotionally. There are 66 days until I move down to Evergreen and I am toast. I feel like passing out every time I stand up, finding comfort only in laying in the grass in the shade. This feeling has got me thinking, once again, about the benefits I discovered last time I ditched meat.

Ah, the good old days, summer romance, lack of knowledge about proper vegetarian nutrition. Those days are two summers past now. What do I remember about being vegetarian? I felt damned good. I didn't get sick as often, I had more energy, my skin was better, my metabolism sped up, I was downright healthier. Until, (dun dun dun), anaemic. Pro-tip: engaging in a rigorous training program for Cross-country running and being an uninformed vegetarian do not mix whatsoever. The result for a teenage girl is a blood-iron level so low that you become prone to fainting. Since then however, I've done a bit of research.

So here I am, feeling quite frankly awful. I have 66 days to get ready for Cross-country at Evergreen. The more I read, the more I realise that going vegetarian again is the best thing for me, and my personal experience adds to that conclusion. Now I know how and why to give up bacon. The benefits outweigh the costs, and quite frankly, I didn't miss it last time, seeing as I don't particularly care for meat anyway, and I felt fantastic. Thus. Here is my declaration. I am going Vegetarian. Today.

Plus I get to eat a delicious menagerie of fruit and veggies, which I certainly haven't been getting enough of lately. So, raw food detox anyone? You bet.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Kingston

You hardly realise that where you've set your roots is interesting until you are ready to pull them up. This happened to me today, as it has been for many months now as I prepare to leave the proverbial nest. Fourteen years in a small town is a somewhat dull experience, simply because there is no change of scenery. Recently I've started to notice the neat little quirks of my community. Down the road there is Trans Am with a Paranormal Investigators logo on the door, and beyond that a sheep and goat farm. There are chainsaw sculptures in formation in front of the gas station (how very Northwest). Now that I am leaving in a little more than two months, things are starting to happen. We have a movie theatre- alright, so, it only shows two or three movies at any given time- and a restaurant, where you can get breakfast I might add. We have an icecream shop and, of course, the ferry. It's a good little town, though it offers me little. I'm not sorry to go. In 67 days I'll be living at Evergreen, in my 8x10. A big change from farm living. It's all a bit daunting, but exhilarating just the same. That's what this is about. My leaving the nest. It's the natural progression, and I feel I should document it.