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Sunday, October 24, 2010

Well

It would seem I've probably bored everyone who bothered to read this. I'm kind of alright with that. A lot has been going on. My Sophomore year crisis seems to be over, though the life crisis a persistent theme that varies in intensity. It's just the general anxiety of being. Things are good though. I'm getting to the point where things don't stress me out really, no matter how big or small. I just don't see the point in it anymore. I spent so much time being stressed out, generally about other people. There's just no point in it. People will do what they will do, I've got very little control over that. I can control what I do though. I guess I realized that a long time ago, but I just didn't really put it into practice.
I'm starting to decipher what I want to do with my life. There are a few things that I consistently get excited about, and the more I learn about them, the more excited I am. Audio is one of those things. Physics isn't really, though it interests me, it's just not a priority. I think I'm going to start volunteering at The Northern running sound, it would be good experience and I think it would be a lot of fun. The other thing is bikes. Bikes bikes bikes. All day everyday. I'm excited for my contract winter quarter, it'll be grand. Mechanical drawings are so beautifully simple. Cooking and food does come in, but I don't think I could make a living of that, I might start to hate it. At least if I would if I had to dishes at a constant rate, which seems likely.
Anyway, I'm doing well. I'm figuring things out. I'm making new friends. It's good.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Anon

I feel small and broken. I feel like I can't be the person that the world seems to think I am. I want to be that person again. I want to be happy. I get so scared. Of everything. Of being. Of loving. I paste a smile on my lips before I put on my coat and walk out the door in the morning. I feel safe, isolated from the world by stereo headphones and dark sunglasses.
I don't know how to be sometimes. People start to care and I am terrified by it. I don't know how to tell them that I don't know how to be what they want anymore. All of the things that they think I am are a crumbling facade.
Everything is so good though, or it should be. I've got a great job, I get to go to college, I live in a wonderful and safe place, I'm not hungry. I'm surrounded by great people. But sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning. I get so confused I don't know where I am. I forget things. I don't know how to interact with people. I'm being sincere but the words roll off of my tongue and sound so wrong. So robotic. It's not always, but sometimes is enough to scare me.
Sometimes I feel decidedly useless. I feel like I'm drifting further into my mind again. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want it to be that way anymore. I need good people around me, I can't push them away. Or, I shouldn't. I certainly can, and have, but have never wanted to. I just get scared.
I'm building myself back up after a hectic year, the first and sudden plunge into adulthood. In the process I lost who I was. Now I'm finding that self again, and some of the pieces are missing or warped. So I've become my own reconstruction process. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel insecure. I don't want to feel like an ugly duckling. I don't want to feel like I am constantly spinning. Not even sometimes.