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Saturday, May 15, 2010

Drifting

So much has happened since this time last year. This time last year I was gearing up to graduate, and taking about a billion "mental health days" (also known as "stay home, read Vonnegut, drink tea days"). I never really thought I would get this far, nor did I comprehend what getting this far entailed. I've only recently realized that I don't have any authority figures in my life anymore, aside from the government I suppose? But I've never had any run-ins with the law anyway, so that's hardly on my radar. I wake up every morning and determine what I am going to do without much of any outside guidance, and am doing surprisingly well, and being productive-- or if not productive, at least happy. It surprises me that I exhibit the same misanthropic tendencies. It's not pessimism so much as introversion. I need time to recharge, I need time away from the world, to remember why I ever choose to engage. I feel stress burgeoning up on my contentedness again though, despite moments alone. I feel the same wanderlust that has always been just a step behind me when it is not walking in the same stride. I find myself shaking the foundations of my future just to see what will happen; if things will settle back in the same way or shift entirely. Will I ever really decide what I want to do with my future? I don't know that as of yet, and it scares me. Things will work out the way they ought to, simply because, well, whatever way they end up is the way they ought to. But I desperately want to take the reins, and do, every so often, only to find that when I do so, I feel trapped and panicked. Right now I just want to run away, but I know that I can't, because I came here willingly, of my own volition, and I can't throw it away. I want summer.

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