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Sunday, October 3, 2010

Anon

I feel small and broken. I feel like I can't be the person that the world seems to think I am. I want to be that person again. I want to be happy. I get so scared. Of everything. Of being. Of loving. I paste a smile on my lips before I put on my coat and walk out the door in the morning. I feel safe, isolated from the world by stereo headphones and dark sunglasses.
I don't know how to be sometimes. People start to care and I am terrified by it. I don't know how to tell them that I don't know how to be what they want anymore. All of the things that they think I am are a crumbling facade.
Everything is so good though, or it should be. I've got a great job, I get to go to college, I live in a wonderful and safe place, I'm not hungry. I'm surrounded by great people. But sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning. I get so confused I don't know where I am. I forget things. I don't know how to interact with people. I'm being sincere but the words roll off of my tongue and sound so wrong. So robotic. It's not always, but sometimes is enough to scare me.
Sometimes I feel decidedly useless. I feel like I'm drifting further into my mind again. I don't want to go back to that. I don't want it to be that way anymore. I need good people around me, I can't push them away. Or, I shouldn't. I certainly can, and have, but have never wanted to. I just get scared.
I'm building myself back up after a hectic year, the first and sudden plunge into adulthood. In the process I lost who I was. Now I'm finding that self again, and some of the pieces are missing or warped. So I've become my own reconstruction process. I want things to be different. I don't want to feel insecure. I don't want to feel like an ugly duckling. I don't want to feel like I am constantly spinning. Not even sometimes.

1 comment:

  1. Some of these things I think are true for both of us. I'm tired of feeling insecure, of feeling unable to connect with new people, and of this imaginary weight that I feel in public and the wariness of others that results from it. My situation is different though. I haven't fully understood my identity yet. I've taken steps forward and backward, and there is a picture emerging but it is still incomplete. So it is not rebuilding but exploring and fleshing out. I'm scared of lots of things that I shouldn't be. I don't know. I'm just glad I have a friend like you.

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