My Own Private Evergreen

I've been at Evergreen for nearly a week, and the only problems I have encountered are generally being hungry (it is college though), finding clean water my fish, and generally lacking a sense of direction. I have solved the food dilemma, as I have learned how to feed myself with very limited cooking implements, and how to find cheap food. The fish water issue still stands, and they smell, so I have to go on that quest tomorrow.

Not Giving a Fuck

Gracias amigo del alma.
:]

Commotion

My stomach is churning. My room is empty. My car is packed. My mind is a mess. I can hardly articulate what is whirring through my mind, there is just too much. I am going to move to Evergreen tomorrow.

Fresh

Forty-eight hours until Evergreen. Should I be panicking now? I am a little bit, but it's all wound up in excitement and rapture. I'm enjoying the time I have left at home, because it is passing all too fast. Today my intention is to curl up with a few good books and relax, because all the excitement of the past few weeks has left me a little under the weather. I have decided that Evergreen really is a fresh start, and that I refuse to deny any part of myself in order to gain acceptance. My deep rooted fear of rejection is clashing with my new will to go prime time. Through much thought and many strange and core shaking conversations, I have come to the conclusion that failing to reconcile my public image with my private self goes against my principles. It's dishonest, though only I may recognise it. I refuse to clash against myself anymore.

I fear change, I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear appearing weak. Such fears have been learned through 18 years of worldly experience. In the past I have let those fears determine my actions. I have lost friends and people that I love, I have been rejected, change has shaken my foundations, I have been hurt, and felt helpless, and appeared weak, and been rejected and chastised for it. These are things that happen to everyone. So I have created a public self. A person who is bold and brave, who is invincible while remaining compassionate, who can do anything, say anything. This public self possesses all of the traits which I feel express the best parts of myself. Then there is my private self, which is a part of me that I guard and only express in solitude. The part of me that is quiet and contemplative, nerdy, empathetic, shy, and day dreaming. This part of me clashes against the boisterous, confident, and quick witted part of me that most people I come into contact with see. In the past I have attempted to bring my private self to par with my public self. High school was not the appropriate environment. People had already categorised and defined each other, and my reputation had seemingly been carved into stone.

Evergreen is a fresh start. I am free to express any part of myself I wish, and to be defined by it. I can only hope that I will find people who are open minded and reliable, and who I can find a kindred spirit in. Either way, I fully intend to be nothing but myself, wholly and honestly.

I am who I am, take it or leave it.

Summer Sailing

Sailing is so amazing! I went to community sailing today, hadn't been in a week. It was so nice to get back out on the water. I sailed a Laser Radial, and it was amazing. I did way better than I have in the past, I didn't capsize and I didn't drop the tiller. I even went fast intentionally. I now have three speeds, slow, fast, and unintentionally fast. That's some progress right there, if I do say so myself. I'm really going to miss sailing. It was one of the best things I decided to do in high school. I learned so much, and I met so many amazing people. Ron and Matt have basically and essentially become like fathers to me. It's funny, I was only on the team for a year, but I am really going to miss everyone so much when I go to college. Matt kept patting me on the back when I talked about going off to college in 3 days, saying "It's a big step." It is a big step. I am amazingly excited and terrified and... ready. I cannot wait. As much as I am going to miss so many people and so many things about Kingston, I am ready to move to Olympia. World, I am ready! Evergreen here I come!

Secrets and Triumphs

I have a secret. It's a very good secret, and not at all a harmful and dangerous secret. It's not spiteful or mean or vindictive. It's just lovely. But I'm not telling.

Anyway. I have 3 days now, and I am getting really really excited. I know that I am going to cry, I'm sure. Mom is going to drop me off and get all of the boxes up to my room and I am going to ball my eyes out. It's simply a definite. Either way, I am excited. I need to find a way to eat for a while, so that I don't die during practice. I suppose I'll just stock up on food before I leave and cook and such in my dorm. My classy rice cooker and pressure cooker will aid me in that venture. I'm very excited to start living in Olympia. Even though I currently have no money, which I found out in the nick of time, before I got an overdraft fee. I need a job, hard. Luckily I will be down in Olympia before most of the other Freshmen so I can begin my job hunting early. Hopefully I can get something through the school, but if not, that's fine as well, I can just plan around practices and meets and such. ALso, PAX. Jeez. This could be a problem. I have so much going on. I'll do what I must.

My room is fully packed up now. Hemingway keeps sleeping on my duffel bag, I think he knows that I am leaving soon. He has been especially clingy lately. I am going to miss that cat, a lot. He is my cuddle buddy. I suppose I'll have to find a human cuddle buddy, which shouldn't be too challenging. I'm excited to spit out of my window. That is so high up! I can't even comprehend it at this point. It's going to be insane. I was terrified climbing the water tower at Lake Wynoochee, and that was only like 3 stories. Then again, it will be a lot different being up that high in an enclosed building. Oh yes, camping this weekend, I never really covered that. It was fun, everyone was really nice. I ate black beans out of a can, that I cooked over the fire, and I also made a grilled cheese sandwich and toast over the fire. It was epic. I felt very much like an epic pioneer. Pioneers made fire toast, right? Either way it was neat. I also ran a lot, and caught little frogs, and swam a lot. Once I jumped off a rock face with all the guys and then swam to the dock by swimming under the log boom. I felt tough. It was pretty cool.

After camping, I got a grand tour of Olympia from Diann, one of the girls who used to be on the team-- she graduated. I got water from the artesian spring on 4th, and I went to this great coffee shop, where she bought me a Blood Orange Italian Soda for being a courageous water tower climber. Everyone in Olympia is pretty cool, from my observations. I fit right in, I was carrying around a gallon water jug from Haggen's and my shoes kept untying. Then mom came and picked me up from Evergreen to drive me home, and we got stuck in traffic and sang David Bowie really loudly. We also danced, and the people in the cars next to us laughed. It was really fun, I am going to miss that sort of event when I get to Evergreen. Anyway, we saw a redtailed hawk get hit by two cars, so we pulled over and wrapped him in a sweater. I had to ride with a shocked and confused hawk in a sweater on my lap for an hour. It was terrifying. I was worried that his angry beak would come out and eat my face and/or hands. So I named him Bill. We took him to the wildlife center yesterday, he is fine. They checked him over and all he had was some bruises, and apparently he has been giving them hell.

Well, I suppose that's all the news that is worthy. My secret shall remain secret, and my tales of glory have been publicised.

Countdown

Camping was amazing, and everyone on the team is really nice and awesome! I am very excited, but it's a bit daunting to think that I will be living at Evergreen in only 5 days. My whole room is packed up, and everything is off my door, which is very strange and empty feeling. I came home to an inbox full of emails from Evergreen informing me of housing and such. As it turns out I will be moving into my fall assigned dorm on Sunday rather than in September. So I will be on the seventh floor all alone for a while. I predict boredom followed shortly by some amount of shenanigans- nothing destructive mind you. Most likely I'll end up running up and down the stairs and such. It should be amusing. I might go exploring, and by "might" I mean "will definitely". I'll find all the weird nooks and crannies before everyone else, and I'll be the cool cat with all the inside information. I may also be the cool cat who doesn't really tell anyone all the information. My own private Evergreen. I'm very excited. Scared, daunted, but excited. I'm really too distracted to write right now. There is far too much going on and I have been journaling personally on top of this. More later.