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Friday, August 21, 2009

Fresh

Forty-eight hours until Evergreen. Should I be panicking now? I am a little bit, but it's all wound up in excitement and rapture. I'm enjoying the time I have left at home, because it is passing all too fast. Today my intention is to curl up with a few good books and relax, because all the excitement of the past few weeks has left me a little under the weather. I have decided that Evergreen really is a fresh start, and that I refuse to deny any part of myself in order to gain acceptance. My deep rooted fear of rejection is clashing with my new will to go prime time. Through much thought and many strange and core shaking conversations, I have come to the conclusion that failing to reconcile my public image with my private self goes against my principles. It's dishonest, though only I may recognise it. I refuse to clash against myself anymore.

I fear change, I fear rejection, I fear loss, I fear appearing weak. Such fears have been learned through 18 years of worldly experience. In the past I have let those fears determine my actions. I have lost friends and people that I love, I have been rejected, change has shaken my foundations, I have been hurt, and felt helpless, and appeared weak, and been rejected and chastised for it. These are things that happen to everyone. So I have created a public self. A person who is bold and brave, who is invincible while remaining compassionate, who can do anything, say anything. This public self possesses all of the traits which I feel express the best parts of myself. Then there is my private self, which is a part of me that I guard and only express in solitude. The part of me that is quiet and contemplative, nerdy, empathetic, shy, and day dreaming. This part of me clashes against the boisterous, confident, and quick witted part of me that most people I come into contact with see. In the past I have attempted to bring my private self to par with my public self. High school was not the appropriate environment. People had already categorised and defined each other, and my reputation had seemingly been carved into stone.

Evergreen is a fresh start. I am free to express any part of myself I wish, and to be defined by it. I can only hope that I will find people who are open minded and reliable, and who I can find a kindred spirit in. Either way, I fully intend to be nothing but myself, wholly and honestly.

I am who I am, take it or leave it.

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