Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Wagon

I have fallen off of the proverbial wagon, and I wholly regret it. My mind has been whirring with ideas, and many of them have not been good. Oddly enough, it was my want to rely on others that got me into a grand old mess. I have to relearn self reliance, though I have found new and amazing friends. The good news about this ordeal is that I have learned to redefine my past relationships in my present reality. Past loves that were doomed from the start can become friends, but not without a great deal of respect for boundaries and for feelings. I have made people cry, and there is not one thing in this world that I regret more than that. I have hurt people outside of myself, and I have had to reconcile myself with the aftermath. My conclusion is that I no longer wish to rush into new love, new lust, new anything. I want to delve into myself, and to find what I am capable of creatively, intellectually, athletically. The past three years have shuffled me from one boy to the next, and I am exhausted of trying at this point. So I won't. I don't have to, I'm 18, I'm not dying, and I have decided that waiting for something worthwhile is worth being without anyone in the meantime. I will be a romantic sniper, I will quietly wait, get to know people, let things grow naturally. I've made amazing new friends already, and I am sure we will have nothing but the best college experience, and will make the best of every hurdle that is encountered. Breathe deeply and realise that this is everything I have spent the past four years pining for, and that's it's more than I ever could have imagined.

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