I need to clear my mind. The truth is, that I miss you, as you were. Not as you are now. You are changed too drastically, you are too different, too far from who you were then. I miss feeling so safe and yet so exhilarated. Held in your arms without question or lust, just being wrapped in the feeling of home. I am tall and strange, with wrists I find too small, and hair that does not behave in a manner that good hair should. Especially when we were together, it was everywhere, tangling itself up. So many moments of concentration spend regaining control of the knotted sea of blondness. So many moments interrupted by unruly hair trespassing on a kiss. We just laughed. I miss those times. When I was just myself and you were whatever you were and we laughed at everything and nothing. It was so natural.
Anything was possible and nothing would bring down the feeling. Even when something did, when we abandoned our rapture to address a matter at hand, crying on the phone late at night, telling you that you were worth the oxygen. Falling asleep on skype together and waking up together that way, in the closest way available to us. Smiling in the halls on the way to class, when nobody there really knew why. I prefer to think of those times, though they are unrealistic now. Too much has happened, too much has been said, and done. Sometimes I want nothing more than to go back to those days. It's too late now though. I had ten new year's resolutions, one was to fall in love. I did. You still have those resolutions in a box of things you will never lose. I don't have anything but memories and doodles in a coursebook.
I laugh everytime I see that book now, Alice in Wonderland. That was a good night, even if it was all tangled up in blonde hair and love lost. You tried so hard to read that book to me, in that goofy accent that I hate. All I did was lightly punch your arm, tell you I just wanted to look at the pictures. You wanted more from me that night, but you knew I couldn't give it. You just held me close and safe all night, because the sky was falling and I didn't know where else to turn. I had to tell someone that my sky was falling, and you were the only one who understands that sort of panic. I'm sorry I made you cry. I didn't want to hurt you, even though you hurt me. I never wanted any of this to fall apart, but life interjected. You changed, plans were unmade.
I wish you hadn't changed. I miss you. Maybe you didn't change at all. Maybe this is who you have been all along. Days soaked with rain, alcohol, and ecstacy.