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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Constellations

The vastness of the night sky certainly puts things into perspective, especially in the company of others. It has become clear that I currently have no capacity to reciprocate certain emotions. Somewhat understandable, considering recent events. After a whirlwind evening that would sweep a typical girl off her feet I reached a mental impasse. As soon as lip met lip my mind threw on the emergency brake, and that was that. "Danger! Vulnerability!" The neurons fired and I instantly took on the role of emotional robot. As he shook nervously and told me I was beautiful and showered me with compliments- as he had all night, but now trying to salvage what hope was left- I ran cold. I've been in this situation before. Unfortunately it tends to be with the nice guy. He clearly felt a genuine connection, which I may have been able to feel had I let myself feel anything at all. The mental block was up from the very start. We talked about life and about philosophy and astronomy and psychology. It was intellectually stimulating as I rambled out my humble theories for another to judge. He articulated that a pretty face was complimented by a wise old soul. It was doomed from the start. Fleeting summer romance isn't something I can accomplish, considering how long it takes me to trust someone at all. I don't tend to let people get close to me. Probably a mistake, but it at least feels safer that way. I can rely on myself. I can control myself. I can test myself. I am safe and cannot emotionally harm myself. I have a few close friends, but very few. I've always felt like I have had to deny a part of myself in order to fit in at all, at least in this town. Somehow I have accomplished the magnificent feat of being respected rather than comprehended. The future is bright however. Evergreen feels like home- that imaginary concept of possessing a space in which you feel utterly safe and comfortable in being nothing but yourself. I'm looking forward to getting home.

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