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Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Growing

Pain is our best teacher, and I've certainly been learning a lot the past few days. Yes, I am being melancholy, and possibly melodramatic. Heartbreak tends to produce such reactions. My entire body aches. My mind aches. I think I truly comprehend heartbreak now, more-so than I have in past situations. There are so many questions whirring through my head. Why her? Why me? Was it love? What is love anyway? The chemical and hormonal reactions inside my mind and extremities cannot explain away the gravitations I felt. The gravitations I am trying to suppress with monster truck force. How could he look into big brown eyes filled with so much pain and chaos and love and lie? Lie with those blue and green eyes not giving the slightest hint of his motivations. He told me that he could see no other way of doing things, that loving me was the only way. How much of what he said was true? How much of what I experienced was real? The butterflies, the weak knees, the heart racing. Was it all a lie? Was it all a complicated lacing and intertwining of emotions and chemicals? Emotions and photons. I don't really know. All I know is that the more I think, the more clarity I gain on the whole conundrum. It was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I understand that statement now more than I have in the past; I feel as though I have truly lost, because I have truly loved. I suppose my heart is now in the process of super cleansing. The recent renovations left it in a mess and the contractor skipped town. I have paid the price for the added room in my heart.

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