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Sunday, June 28, 2009

Letting go of the reins

Love is by far the most fickle thing I have encountered in this world. Especially over great distances, and with unconventional approaches. I'm admittedly terrified right now. My lack of control over the decisions and feelings of others is an unstable and frightening realisation. Feelings can dime tack after all, without rhyme nor reason. You think you have found a stable home for your heart and suddenly you find the foundation under siege, maybe in reality, maybe in your mind, it's hard to tell. You realise you currently have little influence in the life of the person that you love. You realise that you are in limbo. That your heart is in limbo, and that that person, whether or not they are a responsible bearer, has a great deal of power. I feel vulnerable. I feel scared. I cannot predict the future, I cannot understand the present. I can look back on the past-- the smiles, the heart flutters, the weak knees, what would seem to be a gravitation-- but it does not necessarily determine the future.

My past haunts my waking and dreaming mind with merciless terrors of what may happen. What has happened. Waking in a cold sweat with beating heart and tear rimmed eyes gets one to thinking. What am I doing? Is this worth it? Does he care? Does he love me, does he feel the same? The words have been said but do they still ring true? The lack of commitment due to the vastness of distance is a strain on my mind. I don't particularly want anyone else, but I don't know if that is a mirrored standing. I suppose that my reasoning for not wanting anyone else is that I don't prefer to involve myself romantically with any person I don't feel a genuine connection to. When I find someone that I feel truly connected to, whatever my subconscious or conscious reasoning may be, I give myself whole heartedly, with little to no hesitation. This method is not the most safe, by any means, but if it's worth it, my passionate presentation of my heart will not go unrewarded.

For now, I resign myself to the will of the world. As hard as that may be for me, I simply have to, because there is not a single thing I can do right now. I don't know what will happen. I don't know his feelings, or if he is keen on seeing other people in the meantime, or what will happen when we get to Evergreen. I know my own, and that is all, as they are constantly subject to my staunch reassessment. I suppose it doesn't really matter right now, because there is no real commitment, so we both have freewill to do as we please. My limited time left at home is probably pressure enough on my mind anyway, and it seems I have been caught up in a different mindset than he has anyway. I cannot cease my daily life on account of a person who lives across the state, I simply can't. I simply won't anyway, despite the persistent gnawing at the corners of my mind. I worry too much, I have no control of the things that I worry about, thus I should simply stop worrying about them.

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