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Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Introspection

Crunch time; 9 days until Evergreen move in. I reread the email from my Cross-Country coach today, and it turns out we are moving in the 23rd, and practice starts the 24th. At which point I started to panic a little. I am in single digits. 10, 9, 8, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, go. There I am. Boxes in the car, walls bare, goodbye childhood, hello future. It's a very surreal feeling. Everything else has sort of been put on hold. I am so concerned with the transition that anything and everything else is somewhat irrelevant. I feel very self involved, which is unusual, despite outward appearances indicating otherwise. I have always looked out for the people that I love and care about, in whatever capacity that love is in. I want to make people smile. I want to feel like I have made an impact in their life, if only in some very minor way. I see the potential in people, I see the best parts of their soul, and I want to see them be the best version of themselves. People seem to misinterpret where I am coming from sometimes, they think I have some ulterior motive, and the honest cross my heart truth is, I don't. I like to make people happy, I like to help them fulfill their goals, because helping them do so is fulfilling for me. I suppose that could be considered an ulterior motive.

There are so many parts of my personality that I have yet to comprehend. Despite extensive introspection, I still feel like I am reading by candlelight. At times I love the company of others, I feel like I want their affirmation, I want to be respected and loved. Then at other times, I only take solace in isolation. I like to disappear for a while sometimes, into the world or into my mind. If I am constantly berated by people I feel like I begin to spin into chaos, and my introversion is a way of finding clarity and peace. I feel like I am disconnected from people in these times, which used to distress me, but I have learned the cycle, and it is never long standing. I only fear that it hurts the people I truly care about, when I see fit to disappear for a while. I am ever the optimist, and more often than not, a complete and utter romantic, but when in a committed relationship I have a tendency of feeling caged. My reaction is to flee, and to shut them out and go into myself. There was only one occasion where that was not the case, I didn't feel trapped. I felt safe. I'm sure I will find another like that someday, but quite honestly, I'm not looking. For the past 4 years I have been in and out of one relationship after another, and I feel like I just want to fly free for awhile. Unless I find a man that is truly remarkable and impossible to ignore, I'm content to seek casual company.

Despite my occasional, or, more than occasional, misanthropy, I really love people. I give love in any capacity that seems fit, and I genuinely care about people and look out for their best interest, because that is what makes me happy. There are so many unreliable and dishonest people in this world, at least in my experience, and I don't want to be one of them. Honesty is something I value over everything else in this world. Love takes a close second, but honesty is an integral part of such. In my past, a lot of the love that has been reciprocated to me has been dishonest-- may it be with best friends, friends, or lovers-- and it has caused me to be wary and untrusting. I have been rejected on so many levels that I have somewhat come to expect it, though it still terrifies me. I have been called an island of a soul.

Part of the reason I put so much value on solitude and independence is that I can rely on myself. I have respect for myself, and I love myself enough to care that I am making decisions that will benefit me and create a general feeling of satisfaction and fulfillment. Then on the other hand, I have somewhat of a loathing for myself, and a general sense of doubt about my own abilities. I feel as though I have to constantly test myself and hold myself to higher and higher expectations. I'm about to go out into the world, to be truly independent and living on my own, and I am scared. It's a real test of my own mental fortitude and my ability to survive. I know I can survive, despite all doubts, but can I thrive? My solution is simply to remain introspective, while detaching myself from the nagging fear that I am not capable as of yet.

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