Tuesday, August 11, 2009


People seem to know exactly when to test my tolerance. I am in general an empathetic, tolerant, and caring human being; but when I don't feel well, I expect at least a little bit of consideration. I'm mostly ranting because I don't feel well to be completely honest, and being pissed off at someone is much more effective in pacifying me than sitting around being mad about not feeling well. Immunisations are dumb, I think. I mean sure, I won't die now, but in the meantime I feel like punching someone because I feel dizzy and sick and my arms hurt. Also, strangely ironic situations have been occurring in the aftermath of my getting immunised. My arms hurt, so I decided that ibuprofen would be somewhat of an aid in the cessation of that pain. Thus, I reach up into the cabinet- which hurts and is annoyingly difficult with dead weight arms- and the bottle is unscrewed, thus, in my awkward attempt to grasp it with my supposedly opposable thumbs, it spilled, everywhere. So I was forced to pick up roughly 50 or more little red tablets before I could even take two of them, for fear the cat would eat them. Irony is a bitch. Man, I haven't bitched and moaned like this in quite some time, at least not openly. Well, may as well bitch it out.

So pretty much, I really hate Kathy Griffin. She is annoying on so many levels. I mean, just her voice grates at my last nerve. That woman is a menace to society and all who inhabit it. Also, methheads. Seriously. As well as being addicted to methamphetamines, they are also exceedingly lazy, and rather dull. Let me provide an example: So, I'm at Rite Aid, buying... jeez, I believe it was Shoe Goo, but that's beside the point. Anyway, back to the story, so, I'm at Rite Aid, and I walk up to the counter to purchase my Shoe Goo, and this lady is there with five boxes of cold medicine, clearly being kept there awkwardly until my shoe repair purchase was made, so that she may conversate openly with the manager about her clearly methamphetamine related purchase. Complete laziness. What an unmotivated drug addict. I mean, seriously, if I was a meth head I would at least maintain the mental fortitude to purchase my meth supplies at more than one store. Sudafed here, sudafed there. You have to work for it, get the net methheads.

Alright, continuing, what else bothers me about life? People who take things too seriously, especially people who take themselves too seriously. Life is funny. Laugh, have fun, remove the straight rod that you have clearly put in place to maintain a stiff and stern gait, with the unfortunate side effect of making you a complete asshole. It is a bother to the rest of us to put up with your shenanigans. Please refrain from all further shenanigans, unless they are the good kind of shenanigans that may or may not include riding tandem bicycles and bouncing in bouncy castles. Life is too short to take so damned seriously. Also, Agatha Christie novels. Please avoid them at all costs, they are not worth your time, life is way too short. Dane Cook as well, Dane Cook is really not that funny. Please stop encouraging him, it's painful to watch. Now, comedians like Margaret Cho, and Mitch Hedberg (unfortunately he is no longer), should be encouraged, they are hilarious.

Now, to things in fashion that bother me. I love everyone, people are wonderful, in all shapes and sizes, but please do not wear things that do not flatter your body type? If you are not a size 5, do not try to wear a size 5, it doesn't look good, you can keep telling yourself it does, but the fact that it looks like a boa constrictor has consumed the lower half of your body evidences otherwise. Clothing is not meant to be worn that way, clothing is meant to accentuate your features. Accept your size, and if you hate it that much, work out, by all means, but please wear things that fit. Also, do not wear pants that are bedazzled. Despite what you may think, they are not cool. Having a shiny metal studded dragon on your pants is not cool. Another fashion faux pas, Ed Hardy. Ed Hardy is not cool, unless you are a douche, or as I have recently discovered as an available option, a douchette (by the way spellcheck thinks that's a word too, I'm in the clear!) The bedding and houseware sets that they have begun to produce are also unacceptable. If you purchase them, ravenous pelicans will eat you, and your entire family. Do not allow that to happen. Pelicans kill. Hmm... also any item featuring a Looney Toons character is unacceptable. Should you don such images, I suspect the pelicans will again return, this time they will mean business. Pelican peligro mi amigos.

Anyway, I am tired and I feel better after ranting and taking about 4 ibuprofen. I could rant about Disney Pop music or Paula Abdul, but I just haven't the will power.

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