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Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Letter to Burn


There are so many things I should have said to you then, so many things I wish I had asked. I don't understand you; what were your motivations with me? What compelled you to do what you did? You manipulated me, and unlike previous situations, I don't even understand to what point and purpose. What did you have to gain from me? I was an island of a soul for a reason, and you came along and built a raft. You made me trust you. Your lines were so well rehearsed. We sat back and marveled at how real it was. You told me there was simply no other way of doing things. Others have heard that line, as I found out recently. You were so charming, but it was all an act. You were so sincere, but it was a farce. You were so sweet, but it was saccharine sweetness. As I once read, "Sweet words are never sincere. Sincere words are never sweet." You lend truth to that statement.

You fell out of love with me, you say, though I doubt you were ever in love with me in light of the way you treated me. You were attentive and romantic in the beginning, it was all about me. All the while you had another girl hanging on your every word. She wasn't across the state. Convenience was your motivation. You said you didn't want to hurt me, you wanted it all to work out, when we got where we could "try and make it work". You lied to me. That day you came to see me at Wind, you lied to me. You looked into my eyes and you lied without any remorse whatsoever. You lay in the grass with my head on your chest and your steadily beating heart did not betray your motivations. You went home and saw her. I was irrelevant. I meant so little to you, you could shamelessly go to her. She meant so little to you that you could do the same to her.

Maybe it was your upbringing. Your parents vacillated between doting and leaving you. Then again, I have no idea how much of what you told me was true. You seemingly used your parents and their apparent troubles to cover for your own dishonesty. They weren't quarreling over Spring Break, you were quarreling with her. After that you immediately sought another convenient source of affirmation. It strikes me that you enjoy this game. You enjoy carelessly sweeping girls off their feet only to toss them away when they become an inconvenience. Your romantic Nihilism is unwittingly cruel.

Maybe you aren't capable of genuinely loving someone. Maybe it's horribly frustrating for you to always fall out of love unexpectedly. I don't believe that though. It seems to me that you constantly need a source of positive affirmation, someone to tell you the sun rises for you, to give you everything they have. You enjoy that feeling of power. Maybe you even enjoy the chaos that naturally follows. I hate that you are going to Evergreen. You probably haven't even told her, she thinks you're not going anymore. She thinks she'll be living with you. Or at least, that was the story last I spoke to her. How can you lie to her? I'm sure you looked her in the eyes and promised you would change, said you were sorry. I doubt you have. I doubt you will.

How many girls are you going to do this to? I won't be waiting for you at Evergreen. I never want to speak to you again. I want you to disappear. I want every ounce of pain and pleasure that you have induced to melt away. I don't want to see another girl feel the way I do right now at your hands. I can't stand to see another in this situation. I've never hated anyone in my life, but I hate you. Honesty is something I value and revere over everything in this world. You were patently dishonest. You were positively cruel. What you did was unforgivable. What you are doing is unforgivable. I can only hope that karma will repay you for the damages you have done.


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